My Trip to 7-11

Where do I begin? Nowhere, because it's awkward and fucking creepy. I was going to write about how my true love lives on the top shelf within the refrigerator wall at the 7-11 across from my condo building. I had this whole thing with how Red Bull cleansed me and something about Naruto and dicks and flowers and it all led to me naked in a bathtub of Red Bull defending you all from mediocrity in World of Warcraft. However, I remembered this comment from Kzn:

"Raddy is slowly becoming more like Ming.
This is depressing to watch -.-"

After I read that, I used a small scrap of sandpaper to remove all the skin from my body. You know why? Because you hurt me. You were right though -- I've changed and so I had to hurt myself.

Because all of my articles need to be "strategy focused", I'm going to briefly cover some highly advanced player vs player technique. As we all know from Ming and Minti's successes, the purpose of competitive PvP is to ultimately attract mates*. Who needs the Mystery Method when you're 2500 rated and got Mana Pots in the bank? (Shorty what you drink) Because we all play a highly social video game, I'm sure talking to potential mates is no problem, so I'm skipping straight to kissing:

1. Peaches. No, don't practice making out with one. Just say the word peaches slowly and gently over-enunciate each syllable. Whisper it gently if you're embarrassed someone might hear you: volume is not what's key, it's lip shape. Practice in the mirror -- don't be shy, I swear everyone does it.
   
2. Three Zones. There are really three areas to the mouth that are critical in any kiss. The obvious two are the upper and lower lip and the third is the mouth and tongue. A good kiss is not simply going open mouth to open mouth and tongue fencing.
3. Palm technique. By now you've gotten the hang of the general mouth motion with your peaches training, but what if you don't currently have a partner to practice with? No worries, the palm of your hand is perfect. You can experiment with light and hard pressure and with varying moistness. Train until you are comfortable at maintaining light pressure with extremely little moistness. Absolutely make sure you never let your teeth touch your palm.
   
4. The Tilt. Find your favorite romantic kiss scene in a film and notice how the characters heads tilt oppositely to make the neck tilt comfortable for both characters. Always be aware of this and remember that in a lengthy kiss you are going to move around the three zones a lot and will need to be frequently changing your neck angle. What's important is you keep pressure lighter than you think is necessary as it be can very uncomfortable if someone is shifting around and pushing against you forcefully.
   
5. Teeth. It happens to everyone. A tooth click. Recover and laugh if it happens and go back in more carefully. If you pay attention to the three zones and keep pressure lighter than you think is necessary, you should be able to avoid this. Don't get too nervous!
6. Outside-In. Your first 10 seconds of any kiss should be on the upper and lower lip zones. Skipping straight to tongue action is not only intimidating but your performance will suffer overall.
   
7. Tongue. Tongue is what separates those innocent middle school kisses from the next level. You can do a lot of things with your tongue, but a few classics include: gently touching the tip of their tongue (a good start), running your tongue under the bottom of the upper lip, licking the bottom of their tongue, or straight out pinning their tongue to the top of their mouth with yours. It is difficult to practice these techniques, but think moderation and don't let over-aggressive, creepy tongue work ruin the rest of your kiss. Again avoid the teeth.
   
8. Breathing. While it makes sense to breathe through your nose while kissing as your mouths are occupied, this generally isn't possible and you'll find yourself or your partner "gasping" for breaths intermittently. This is perfectly normal, just pace yourself. If you want to, you can inhale breath from her mouth which beyond being slightly comical will make her more "flustered" by the kiss.
   
9. Wind down. Don't just stop a kiss. Slow down the pace and back out to the outer lip zones as you break away.
   
10. Bad breath. This is a common fear many people have. Actually, the issue here is not so much bad breath but different breath. Want proof? Try kissing a girl after she's had a hot cinnamon mint when you've had a cool mint -- it's not too pleasant. Offer her a sip of your drink or a bite of your food a few minutes prior to going for the kiss, it makes a huge difference. Smell is very important and don't let poor breath hygiene ruin your otherwise flawless technique.
    

Also, I don't like to brag but I'm actually 2500 rated in all 3 kissing brackets (white, yellow and black) and NO I'm not high rated in that "4th bracket" of kissing other dudes...at least not on the mouth.

Congratulations, you've just read an extremely awkward and emasculating post about kissing.


* Note the diction: mates NOT bitches out of respect for my many female readers

** Small Update **

For those of you too lame to read the comments here, they're more fucked up and beautiful than my Smurfette fetish.

So there I was, walking down the aisle at my local grocery store, practicing the 'peaches' maneuver to myself in a small, inconspicuous handheld mirror. A supermodel happened to be shopping nearby and noticed me as I was passing.

She asked, "Oh my God, are you practicing peaches? I read about that on RadikalNoise.com, but does it really work?" I nodded, grinned, and chewed slowly on my Cool Spearmint Trident. She then proceeded to ask me if I wanted a makeout practicing partner, to which I casually replied, "I was planning to work my reputation up with my hand, but you look like you give valuable experience points." I winked and she, of course, blushed. I handed her a piece of Cool Spearmint Trident and we went back to my place where, suffice to say, I was exalted in no time. -- Zarthustra