Sunday, January 27, 2008

Night Out After Poker (NOIR) Part 5

"You know, I think I might just stay." You grin. She laughs.

You're a little afraid that maybe her laughing and her throwing up again might be linked. You're correct. She darts to the bathroom with a truly priceless embarrassed look on her face.

It's getting light out. The little blue LED display on the alarm rock reads 7:03. Five hours till her friends return. Two more till you have to meet your friends after that. No sleep again.

Sleep is a distant memory. Yeah, it's cliché. But true. Provigil has all but replaced it in your daily grind. And while it truly rids you of most the side effects of sleep deprivation, the desire to get a real night's rest doesn't ever go away. No bags below your eyes. No microsleeping only to wake up with your adrenaline racing at work, on the highway, or walking home. No headaches. No hangovers. But even though you're taking three times the dosage every day now, you fantasize about sleeping more than fucking. By far. It's been almost six months since you've slept more than twelves hours in a week.

You're lying in her still damp and recently vomit-soaked bed. Whatever, she's fucking hot. She's been gone a while. You flick the switch to illuminate the canopy lighting above her bed and drunkenly get up to turn down the lamps about the room.

She emerges from the bathroom shyly as you're hitting the last of the lights. Awkward moment. She's frozen in the hall. Your hand is stuck to the lamp. Oh, the implications.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, a bit."

"Come, sit, talk." She smiles. Still, sobering up a bit has killed her aggressive confidence.

She sits on the bed Indian style, legs crossed, back up against the pillows and the soft headboard. Very childlike. You mirror her so your knees are touching. It's silly.

You hold out your palms to play the slap game. What the fuck are you doing?

She rests her hands on yours. You gently curl the middle finger on your right hand hoping to fake her out. No reaction at all. She looks very serious. Still, she wears concentration well.

You tickle her palm with your right middle finger again as you drop your left and quickly sandwich her left hand between your two hands before she can retreat. Too easy.

You let go and give her your best douchebag head nod. "I don't know if you're ready for this."

"Oh yeah?" She smiles incredulously. "Let's see."

Round two has your hands on top. You're watching her eyes. Not the hands. Easy to get faked by the hands -- the face is more reliable. Not that keeping your eyes glued to her face is easy when she's dressed how she is. Still, it's a cute face.

She's making no moves, no fakes, nothing. Just staring. Maybe she is high on something.

"So I was talking to your friend." She says it quite insidiously.

"Yeah, I saw. As we were leaving. I was quite jealous."

"Of me or him?"

"You tell me." You grin. She chuckles.

"Let's keep it just jealous of him."

"Kay. So what were you talking about?"

"Who actually. You."

You're still focused, watching her face, ready to react. She notices and flinches both hands a bit. Still, just fake-outs.

"Yeah? What did he say?"

"He said that your whole stoic tough-guy thing was bullshit. Just an act." She smiles. Still no move for the hands.

She gently moves both her index fingers along the bottom of your hands. "Look at how tense you are, scared?"

"You can trash talk me when you actually hit my hand, girl."

"He also told me you had a ten inch cock." She drops her left hand and cross-slaps your left hand with ease. So much for watching her face.

"Cheater!"

"What?! I thought I wasn't 'ready for this.'"

"I see how it is."

Instead of letting your hand go, she intertwines her fingers with yours. You're vibing pretty hard for this girl. So what that when she says because, she makes it rhyme with claws.

"I think you misheard him though."

"Yeah?"

"Two and ten are hard to distinguish in a loud club." She shoves you lightly. "I have to have some words with him. Talking up your friend that way is borderline inappropriate. Sorta gay too. What else did he say?"

"Said you were off to buy some blow." Guess she wants some after all.

24 comments:

z said...

Thank you God.

Oppo said...

This was just buildup and flash for you to find an appropriate way of writing down someone attributing a 10-incher to you.


DON'T DENY IT!

Raddy said...

I wish Oppo.

Dear lord, please, just 8 more inches. Please.

Anonymous said...

ten's just too much. you have to hold it up when you poop.

Anonymous said...

Great dialog and stream of consciousness again. Your best stuff is still your character descriptions but I guess you only meet so many people.

Kirby said...

More, demanding more.

Idgit said...

MORE YOU SEXY DEVIL YOU

anna said...

Great stuff

Anonymous said...

Clearly this entire poker noir series was made to talk about penii.

teki said...

Way to take forever to put up part five. =p

Anonymous said...

"Clearly this entire blog was made to talk about penii."

fixt :D

MOAR PLX

chloe said...

The sensitivity in these last two entries has redeemed the first three nicely. Both this and your last entry could be flushed out more. They really do not have as much attention to detail as the first entries you put up. Please keep up the good work.

Raddy said...

Thx <3

WHERE IS MY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM MOTHERFUCKERS

Yeah, this entry is a bit short, but I promise I do (sort of) have a plan!

Oppo said...

$10 if you can weave in
"I'm a grower, not a shower" in your next poke-her noir.

Anonymous said...

http://vurtne.net

LOOK OUT RADDY YOU'RE GETTIN UPSTAGED.

Anonymous said...

I personally find your method for building anticipation and keeping people checking your blog 20X a day quite skillful.(Don't act like you all don't check the blog several times a day :D) I just recently stumbled on your blog. For some reason I was reading up on the current state of the WoW community, even though I have not played for the past 4 months. I'm glad I found this blog though. I used to write alot in highschool. Ever since college and writing BS assignments I have lost interest because I can't just write to express myself or for entertainment. Although, reading your blog has re-sparked my writing interest. I found your stories to be very entertaining, realistic, down to earth, and easy to relate to for people in their 20's.(few and far between on the relating to part) It is a great feeling to read something and have that spark, "HOLY SHIT, I've been there, I'm not alone!!!" As far as the constructive criticism, it is my opinion that you should take a look from the readers perspective, particularly at am I giving enough detail or foreshadowing to certain things. Not going to point anything out but, I think you will understand. Keep up the writing.

FindingForrester said...

Nice continuing character development. I think its safe to say that that narrator's "stoic tough-guy thing" isnt an act, rather that he is just more than that, we see that he: is intelligent, sensitive, witty, honest; and that with each part he develops more and more as a character. Good job!

I love the line: "you fantasize about sleeping more than fucking." It works really well with the action that follows: "She emerges from the bathroom shyly as you're hitting the last of the lights. Awkward moment. She's frozen in the hall. Your hand is stuck to the lamp. Oh, the implications"; fantasy here is cleary about sex, that any any thought of sex can persist through vomit covered sheets and the stench and massive sleep deprivation all attest to the mega-hotness of the girl-the effectiveness of this scene garners its strength from its implication of the girls hotness (rather than directly stating it again)-we see every reason why a person should be disgusted, except the one thing we cant see, what the narrator sees: the mega-hottie in person.

I went back and skimmed descriptions of Kathy in the previous sections, and I like that you describe her but dont overdo it. We get some good details-what she wears, hair color, accent. Im on the fence if I want more description of her, nothing that tells exactly how she looks, but maybe a little more. I like that we are left to fill in some blanks and as reader's are forced to fantasize and imagine what she looks like when the narrator says: "Whatever, she's fucking hot."

I really like the playful dialogue in this part, probably some of the best since part 1.

Evolution of the narrator's humor is pretty sweet: he shifts from the brutal honesty of his interior narrative, to the more self-depricating humor in his dialogue with Kathy; this shows further development of the narrator as character, his sensitivities and vulnerbilities....or maybe he's hung like a baby carrot and just speaking the truth!

Keep 'em coming Raddy, hopefully these comments have been helpful!

FindingForrester said...

oh ya, I made some comments on Parts 3 + 4 too.

Anonymous said...

Great writing, as usual!

Bregor said...

So amazing Raddy :P

I tried to come on vent to chill again but I was promptly banned this time, so you should swing by insom vent sometime :]

Anonymous said...

Constructive Criticism: Stop having 45 minute duels with resto druids and wallhopping in IF and get to work on the next part.

Raddy said...

@ff:

Thx for the great feedback. <3

I'll definitely take to heart a lot of what you've said, and I'd like to respond individually to some of your points, which I think are spot-on. (especially about part 3 and 4)

Anonymous said...

my favorite part since number 1.

Daemonz said...

You hold out your palms to play the slap game. What the fuck are you doing? haha sooo goooood