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Actually, I was back yesterday but was too lazy to post. Vegas was bright and full of stupid people. As per usual. Even more concisely, it was awesome.

I watched a fair amount of Olympics while at the tables. Who the fuck says 'fair amount'? Hmnn.

Oh. The Olympics. So the Chinese brought a 13 year old girl and we're like pissed off about it. Who cares? If you're losing to little kids, isn't that the problem right there? To all you thirteen year old, beautiful, prepubescent Chinese girls, I support you. P.S. I have popsicles in my basement.

Despite being so American that my urine comes out first red then white then blue, I've found myself occasionally cheering for the little countries. I saw this French featherweight boxer totally trash this dance-like-a-OUCHMYFACE southpaw and was shaking my fist for him and everything. TRES BIEN! TRES BIEN FRENCH DUDE, TRES BIEN1! VOULLEZ VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI CE SOIR? I also cheered for some sweet Belarussian weightlifter until the Chinese refs stole his medal and gave it to one of their countrymen. Who even knew there was a country called Belarus? Apparently, they have a dictator and at least one in three women in their country will fuck you. That second part I might have made up but seriously if you want to get tourists, how can you beat "Our women will probably fuck you" as a slogan?

I also watched some of the Girl's Beach Volleyball. Why is this not the whole Olympics? No offense to you Phelps fanboys, but come fucking on. As in, pick the girls. Not ripple-y shine-y muscle-y Phelps -- a man who rips through the water like it's Astroglide. Or he's Astroglide. No, the water is the Astroglide. Something is Astroglide here. You know what I mean. It's that stuff you use for buttsex. Or so I hear. Sleek and glide-y. Like Mr. Phelps.

The German girls were facing off against the Brazilian team earlier today and to be honest, I have no clue who won or if they were even keeping score. (talking volleyball here not buttsex) I didn't even know the team in Pink was Germany until one of my friends told me that, just because they're butts said Nike, doesn't mean they're from Nike, which let's be fair, is confusing. The Brazilian asses read "Brazil" and, despite the fact that they were kinda scary looking in their 1980s sunglasses, at least they were patriotic enough to show the world that their ass = Brazil.

There's a whole bunch of non-bikini events going on right now that I won't choose over porn, and thus we're at the sad conclusion to my Olympic commentary.