The Path of the eFamous

I woke up today feeling especially baller. There are a few things that make a man wake with a Christmas Grinch grin -- "I made you eggs", "I washed my foundation and mascara out of your pillowcase", "..." (Because she's fucking gone), and lastly sick WoW PvP video ideas.

There have been a lot of 1v2 arena videos, so many that they're almost old hat now, but my evening's dreams reminded me that there were many possibilities out there beyond simple 1v2, why not rated 2v3 or 4v5? A 2000+ 4 man 5s team certainly seems quite new hat. And what about trash talk? If you've seen the Shadow Word Dance videos, you know he frequently lets bitches know their status as a Suck before finishing them off. No, I do not have dreams of dark men finishing bitches off. I do have dreams about making an arena team with a dark skinned rogue and warlock (named Orpheus) called We Run Train. Hell, you could even do a clip of rolling up to Home Depot before you zoned into the arena.

My apologies for derailing into a discussion of group sex and jungle folk. The point is that I woke up this morning with ideas. In my head. The thinking kind. I sprung out of bed, checked myself out in the mirror for a bit, wiped my saliva off the mirror and raced to IRC to tell my compadres in balling my visions for future WoW greatness and eFame. Yeah, last time we spoke, they didn't think "My Little Dixie Wrecked" was a great arena team name and there were some harsh words, but these guys are MY wingmen. They're there for me.

Imagine my astonishment to find IRC utterly deserted. It's cool, they'll be back. Sure, last time they said some things, "Sorry, but I got RL shit now","WoW is dead, I'm playing LotRo now", "I never even liked you." But they were just angry. Besides nobody would leave WoW to play LotRo; it's like going from a halfsie to a redhead. It'll be okay, they'll be back. We made an oath. Danger Zone was playing. I clicked my teeth, they called me Iceman. Fucking LotRo? Beyond making a hobbit called Dildo Teabaggins, what the fuck would anybody be doing caught dead with that shit?

Whatever, my wingmen aren't around. They're probably just off practicing jumping grenades -- it's no big deal, they'll be back, we love each other. I'll just get on vent and talk to my teammates. You have joined the GameOver channel. "Blah blah Sven blah blah creep blah blah ultimate. " You have joined the AFK channel. Now at this point, I had the blade of my favorite pair of scissors up against my wrist -- how could this day go so wrong so quickly? I could get on WoW, maybe like talk to my guildmates or something. Generally, I just log on to spam guild chat in all caps with Biggie lyrics and log off bored and disinterested when nobody knows what the fuck I'm going on about. I SPREAD THE BLOOD LIKE MUSTARD, TRUST IT, MY HARDCORE RAIN LEAVE YOU RUSTED.

I remember in the early days of my guild, there were accusations that my language was offensive or even racist. Silly, silly hippies. I explained to them that if you go far enough back in time we all come from like Africa anyways, I'm just exploring my roots, expressing to them how I feel like I am a brother -- I'm part of the tribe. If anyone's a racist, it's the guys telling me that I'm not allowed to express my culture. Everyone eventually agreed, but for a long time I always felt that people were still uncomfortable with many of our discussions; however, now I realize it had nothing to do with any of that nonsense, they were simply jealous of my eFame and general awesomeness. If people only knew how truly rough the life of an eFamous WoW player is -- the sacrifices we make, the constant harassment, the lack of privacy and anonymity at all times, the fear that maybe you can't satisfy three women at once, the rigorous training, the inability to eat a donut without the Ming-parazzi snapping photos -- it all takes a toll on you. But we do it nonetheless, not for the money, women, or intense mental conditioning, but for the little guy, for the average Joe, we do it because we know the talent with which we've been blessed is a great gift from the heavens, and we know we can't live with ourselves if we waste it.

Guild chat was a bust. They were going on and on about some weird professions I've never heard of. Alchemy? Must be something new in the next expansion. Sometimes I think they just make things up as some sort of sick, twisted inside joke at my expense. Besides, I can't share any totally awesome ideas in guild chat in fear they might be leaked to rival ballers. There's too many people I don't know or trust in guild ever since we've gone Duke with our admission standards. You have to be careful with The Sucks. They infiltrate every guild eventually hoping to hide their true nature with epics and guild progression status, but inevitably their true nature will shine through, at which point they must be quickly excised from your roster, unless said Suck is a girl of course. "I accidentally used my PvP trinket and it put my Divine Shield on cooldown, I'm really sorry." And yes, the truth is more horrible than fiction, but it doesn't matter baby.

Strangely even though the guild had no solace to give me, I did feel less like inflicting self harm and after arguing with a few people on how Vanessa Hudgens would be better young, fresh and green with no hair in between, I knew what had to be done. And so, I've purchased another TB of HD space and begun recording. I realized that every star must overcome obstacles and hardship. Every star is at times alone in the dark. But the real stars keep shining and one day not too long from now, you'll see me shine.